I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
