Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
