you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
