you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
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getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
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I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
The air taste purple.
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