1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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