if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
