No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
