i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Randomize
