Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
