You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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