the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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