woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
