Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
