I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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