I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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