ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
