You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
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on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
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You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
there is glitter all over my balls
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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