glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
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