how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
