My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
