I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
