Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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