Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
someone owes me an orgasm
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
