Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
