I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
organizing the empties. That sober.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Randomize
