Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
