i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
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