And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
