i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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