you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Still dying that you shit outside
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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