i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
