The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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