well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
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