Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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