Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
