So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
