well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Randomize
