i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
