matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
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I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
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So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
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