Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
