I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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