Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
