Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Randomize
