k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
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