I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
