it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Randomize
