Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
