12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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