i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
