Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
