pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
