i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
