forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
