how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
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i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
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I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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