i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
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