when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
She even gives head with a lisp.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
