I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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