i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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